Active Listening and impactful conversations!
As part of any team-building initiative, many of us would have been a part of the “Whispering game” also known as “Chinese whispers”.
The game goes like this- There are a group of people and the first person in the group whispers a message into the ears of the second person asking him/her to pass it on to the next person and this is how the chain begins. The last person is supposed to share the message to the entire group! By the time the message reaches the last person in the group, “The big brown bear chased him through the dark forest just before dusk” would have become “The big boar chased him before dusk”.
This only goes on to show how the original sentence gets distorted through the chain of passing the message and acquires a completely different form when the last person says it out! This is not just a game to discover the inaccuracies of the process of communication, but also an example of active listening!
Let us take the case of a two-way conversation.
How do conversations become impactful? Listening is the most important part of any two-way conversation. Hence, it is often assumed that listening alone suffices. Some may use the term “critical listening” to justify how just paying undivided attention is enough to absorb & assimilate all the key information. Some show that they are listening by nodding their heads or try staying without blinking their eyes (sometimes in response to every line or word that is spoken). Active listening is in fact more than just the nod of a head or the ability to assimilate & reproduce to perfection the facts stated by the speaker !
Active listening is listening with all the senses. Rather than listening to just reply/respond, listening with one’s ears, eyes and heart shows empathy, trust, and offers the other party a safe space. A safe space to be heard, to be understood and to be respected.
The pareto principle states that for many outcomes, roughly 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes. In the context of listening this principle translates as follows:
Spend 80% of your time listening & only 20% of your time actually talking.
What does this mean to the target audience?
Be it a customer, client or a colleague, the person on the other side doesn’t know what the speaker might be thinking while starting the conversation. In fact, the client would like to have a safe space wherein one is able to share what one feels, thinks and needs. Hence, when the speaker spends most of the time in listening and utilizes 20% of the time in talking, the conversation becomes significantly impactful.
What does one mean by spending 20% of the time talking?
This actually means 20% of the time, the listener is ideally summarizing the key ideas stated by the person on the other side by using the same words/language , repeating crucial statements without paraphrasing or distorting the jargon. This clearly shows empathy, respect and authenticity. This 20% comes from 80% of the time spent in active listening.
From a coaching perspective, active listening is the bedrock of the conversation.
As a practicing coach, every coaching conversation serves as an invaluable learning experience. Coaching has enabled me to become a more empathetic listener in every conversation. I am also inspired each time to observe how coaching pervades the quality of day-to-day conversations.
Few pointers from my learning experience which can help conversations become impactful:
* Creating an imaginary veil in your head before any conversation. This veil helps steer clear of any thoughts/emotions that may come in the way of the conversation. A simple tip would be doing a focused/deep breathing. This helps in adopting the “blank slate” approach.
* Being present is the key. This is a state of being “in the moment” and listening to everything that the other person is saying and “not saying”. This means listening with one’s eyes, ears and heart.
* Avoiding interruptions as far as possible and holding back any desire to express oneself right in the middle of the conversation.
* Apart from listening to the other person and paying complete attention, a meaningful silence also helps. Holding the space and allowing a few seconds of silence after the other person has spoken can pave way for powerful responses & questions. This would be entirely based on active listening.
* Adding another layer to the imaginary veil. This layer is to strongly assimilate the belief that we do not get attached to or affected by what the other person is saying. This also helps in having a non-judgmental mindset and belief that the other person knows what he/she is saying.
* As much as possible, using the same words/vocabulary as that of the person who is speaking. This shows not just active listening but also improves the quality of the conversation as these are the terms which may strongly resonate with the individual and builds trust.
This is an impactful narration on Impactful Conversation and the role of Active Listening. More often than not, communication failure happens because of our anxiety to speak and unload our thoughts on the other party, with listening taking a back-seat. Also, multiple levels contribute to communication distortion. The pointers highlighted by you which facilitate in making conversations impactful are spot on.
Well Presented…